He is MARRIED
by DeathandJunkfood
Summary: One-shot. Amy, Rory and the Eleventh Doctor meet up with Captain Jack Harkness... And, well, what do you expect? General shenanigans ensue.


**Disclaimer... I do not own Doctor Who or any of the characters. I'm just kidnapping them and using them for my own evil purposes.**

"Ouch!" Amy screeched as she fell into the railing in the console room. The Doctor was dashing about gleefully, flipping switches and babbling on about random planets. The TARDIS was lurching wildly, spinning through the vortex, from time to time. Amy staggered across the glass floor with Rory watching helplessly as she slammed into the metal bar. "You could've helped me you know" she griped, hauling herself to her feet "isn't that what husbands are for?". Rory eyed her with a wounded expression. "If I had tried to catch you, I would've just fallen too" he protested indignantly.

The Doctor completely ignored the domestic drama taking place in his TARDIS, preferring to whisper secret things to his ship and pat her gently. She was getting old, just like him. "Well, we can get old together, eh, old girl?" he murmured as the Ponds gesticulated wildly behind him. The scanner crackled and the Doctor whacked it sharply, frowning. "What's gotten into you?". It displayed a hand demonstrating a rude hand gesture and he gasped. "How dare you! I'll wash your mouth out with soap, or I would, if I had soap, or if you had a mouth".

The Ponds had fallen silent to watch the Doctor scold his TARDIS, Amy grinning. "Guess we're not the only ones to have martial spats, Doctor". He scowled at her as the screen crackled once more and the face of a man appeared. "Jack!" the Doctor shrieked.

"Doctor? Is that you?". The Doctor nodded furiously, speechless for once. Amy could've sworn she saw tears glinting in his eyes. "Finally. I've been tapping into anything that gives off a similar frequency to the TARDIS. Let's just say some people are really getting into using their cams". The Doctor looked confused, while Amy and Rory smirked. "Where are you, Jack?" the Doctor asked. Jack glanced down. "11 am, the 12th of July, 5287, on the 23rd Planet of the Kanasaura Federation, in front of May's Taco Shop". He grinned. "I've been waiting a long time for you, Doctor".

"Who was that?" Rory asked at the same time Amy raised an eyebrow and said "He was hot". Rory shot her a glare, and she put her hands up innocently. "An old friend. A very old friend. In fact, one might even call him a very, very old friend. I've never met him with this face". The Doctor started tapping quickly on the keyboard, and reached forward towards a large crank. "Doctor. Where're we going?". He looked up "May's Taco Shop! Be sure to try the squid ones, they're my favourite".

With a familiar groan, the TARDIS materialized next to where Jack sat, eating a taco calmly. The door swung open and a tall, gorgeous red head hopped out. She was followed by a floppy haired man in a bow tie, and _whoa_. Cute. "Moved on the next generation, Doctor?" The Doctor frowned "What?"

"This must be Miss Noble!" Jack gestured at Amy. The last time he had seen the Doctor, he was travelling with Donna. This girl could've been her daughter.

"No… I'm Amy Pond. Doctor, what's he talking about?"

The Doctor's face had fallen. "Nothing, Pond. Ignore him. I think he's got the space wobblies"

"The what?" the cute guy interrupted. "Space wobblies. After a long trip through space, your brain can get a bit jumbled up. Luckily the TARDIS prevents us from falling prey to such an unfortunate event".

The Doctor finally moved forward and hugged Jack tightly, long arms wrapping around him firmly. "I like the new face, Doctor" Jack laughed, when he broke free. "Nice bow tie" he added, reaching out and straightening it. An expression of horror grew on Amy's face. "No! Don't encourage him, he thinks they're cool. And fezzes. He thinks fezzes are cool too, the weirdo". The Doctor looked hurt, and drew himself up proudly. "I'll have you know, Pond, that bowties-"

But whatever the Doctor wanted Amy to know about bowties was lost as Jack interrupted. "Hello there" he flashed a grin at Rory, who smiled nervously back. The Doctor groaned. "NO" he told him firmly and Amy jumped in. "MARRIED" she interjected. Rory just looked confused, while Jack held up his hands in protest. "I was just saying hello!" The Doctor and Amy rolled their eyes simultaneously. No wonder he liked her. She was quick.

"Hi" Rory finally said back, waving awkwardly. Amy retreated back into the TARDIS, grinning a bit to herself. She didn't mind Jack flirting with Rory at all. It was funny to see Rory get all flustered. The Doctor followed, as did Rory and Jack, Jack staring blatantly at Rory's ass as he walked through the TARDIS doors.

The new interior was big and bright and airy, filled with warm honey coloured light. It was more whimsical than the last design, with glass floors and brightly coloured round things. Stair cases hugged the sides and thin metal railings over looked various levels. The Doctor stood in the centre proudly, arms spread. Amy rolled her eyes again. "What d'you think?" he asked. "I like it. A bit more faerie tale, a little techno, a touch of glamour…". The Doctor's face glowed at Jack's words.

Amy hopped up on the railing and Rory followed her. He watched the Doctor and Jack warily. "So who d'you think he is?" Rory lowered his voice, leaning close into Amy. "Who?" Amy asked, sounding preoccupied. "Captain Jack!" he whisper-shouted. "What d'you mean, 'Captain'?" Amy asked. Her husband frowned. "I dunno. It just- sounded right".

"Well he could captain my ship any day" Amy teased, bumping Rory with her shoulder.

"I'd be glad to"

Startled, the couple looked up. Jack winked. The Doctor threw up his hands dramatically, and seized Amy's hand. "Come along Pond, I don't know how to cook and I'm hungry".

"You think _I_ know how to cook?" she asked incredulously the bowtie wearing alien towed her away.

"You're just gonna throw me to the wolves here?" Rory shouted after them. Jack took a seat next to him. "So I'm a wolf now?" he smirked. Rory stuttered.

"How long have you been travelling with the Doctor?" Jack asked. Rory chuckled, scratching his head. "Amy, my wife, she met the Doctor when she was seven years old. He crashed landed in her garden. He said he'd be gone for five minutes, but was actually gone twelve years. I met him at that point, there was this Prisoner Zero guy, and some alien called the Altraxi tried to incinerate us. Good times. Then, he left _again_ and came back two years later. She ran away with him. The night before our wedding". Jack winced "Ouch". Rory nodded, " _Finally,_ someone gets it. Everybody else thinks it's marvellously romantic". Jack gestured for Rory to continue his story. "They eventually came and picked me up and we've all been travelling ever since", he finished as the lights in the console room dimmed slightly. "Ah, we're on to the night cycle" Rory checked his watch as a few of the lights on the wall glimmered away.

"What is that?" Amy squinted.

"I think it's a yam" the Doctor declared, brandishing a orange root.

"Isn't it a sweet potato?"

"Maybe it's a rutabaga"

"Does anybody actually know what rutabaga's are for? I don't think I've ever eaten a rutabaga. They seem kind of useless"

The Doctor regarded the vegetable with some disappointment, before picking up what Amy was fairly confident was a tomato. "Maybe we could make soup" he suggested. "Do you know how to make soup?"

"Well, there's yummy water with stuff in it"

"You've been around for a few hundred years, how on earth do you not know how to make soup?"

"You've been around for twenty-three years, how come you don't know how?"

"Well, Rory can make soup! And I can chop vegetables. Together we can make soup"

The Doctor sighed, looking as if his companion had let him down terribly. "Ok. We have bread. We have a toaster. Can you make scrambled eggs?"

Amy shrugged. "I never have done, but how hard can it be?"

A nasty burning aroma rose up from the pan of eggs. Amy scraped frantically at them whilst the Doctor rattled around the old fashioned TARDIS kitchen. It kinda looked like the kitchen in the Burrow, in Harry Potter, all cosy clean, with odd items hanging from the ceiling. "Success! I have located the toaster". He aimed his sonic screwdriver at it and buzzed the toaster quickly. "What did you do to it?" Amy asked apprehensively, eyeing the toaster as if it were a bomb, or possibly an angry dog with large teeth.

"Ah, I just recalibrated the centre springs whilst reversing the polarity of the neutron flow"

Amy looked furious "It's a _toaster_ " she said from between gritted teeth. "I just, fixed it up a bit". He smiled charmingly and dropped a few pieces of toast in. "Shit!" Amy shrieked as her eggs started to burn again. A couple of minutes later, the toaster began to hum ominously. The Doctor quickly backed away, but Amy wasn't so fast. Flour and water exploded from the toaster, and Amy was immediately drenched, and then covered in flour. For a moment she stood there, speechless. " _FUCK!_ " she spat out eventually. "What the bloody _hell_?" the profanities didn't seem to be stopping any time soon, so the Doctor jumped in. "I think the vibrations of the toaster caused the molecules to revert to their original state". Amy stood still for a moment, arms held slightly out from her sides. Then she leapt forward and attempted to throttle the Doctor, who ran at full pelt from the kitchen.

"Whoa!" Rory stared as the panic stricken Doctor and a shrieking flour covered Amy sped past. "What's going on?" Jack asked. "He exploded a fucking toaster on me!" she hissed as she grabbed him by the braces and yanked him back. "Is that a euphemism?" Jack smirked. Rory shook his head slightly, "No, I think in this case, that's exactly what happened".

That night, they sat down for dinner consisting of a packet of crisps apiece and blackened eggs. Amy maintained a furious silence as she poked at the eggs doubtfully with a fork. Halfway through the meal, Rory jumped, his knee hitting the table with a crash. He looked at Jack incredulously. "Sorry" Jack smiled innocently "I dropped my fork". Amy smirked at Jack and he winked back. The Doctor ate crisps sulkily.

Over the few days that followed, Jack managed to 'accidently' walk in on Rory showering, 'trip' and fall into his arms and grope him under the table at meal times. Amy always cackled, the Doctor scowled, and Rory just looked uncomfortable.

 **Thanks for reading! It'd mean a lot if you could give me a review ;)**


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